1. I was/am not trying to hurt you, him, her or anyone.
2. I am not a seeker of attention or pity but love. I am not a bad person but stupid. I often make bad decisions and they are attributed to me solely.
3. I don’t know the root of my depression. So please don’t ask. It makes things difficult.
4. Stepping out of the comfort zone is scary. Depression at times feels like my comfort zone which is scarier.
5. I do nothing these days. Except browse channels on the TV. If that counts. The changing channels provide a false sense of change in my stagnant life.
6. I try and wear a different perfume every day despite having nowhere to go. People say beloved fragrances heal. They couldn’t be more wrong. I can’t smell anymore. Neither have I showered in 5 days.
7. I hate going to my therapist. I don’t know what’s wrong anymore. I waste 4k every week.
8. I don’t listen to Carbon Based Lifeforms but Debussy. The wordlessness fills my emptiness with nothingness. Believe me, there’s a difference. My mind tries to chase the rhythm and fails often.
9. Taking medication for the brain sucks. It messes up my body. It messes up my brain. Further.
10. I often end up holding onto long strings of thoughts which are rough. My hands are blistered. It is scary.
11. Being left out is scary. Meeting friends is scarier.
12. Cutting myself brings along guilt. No cutting brings anxiety.
13. Convincing myself, “It’s not rock bottom yet.” is hard. It gets harder as days, weeks, months pass.
14. It’s been 5 years. I’ve held on.