Plans

Two years ago at the peak of my #depression or at the lowest depths of #misery or as some said just a "bad phase" I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, eating dahi chawal, once a day I did nothing beside lying , staring and my once a day meal of white starch and probiotics; And phone calls, I ignored phone calls All of them My friends weren't #happy , The literatis were sniggering And the #poets ashamed; My mom was proud She got me a notebook , the girliest notebook I've ever seen I loved it nonetheless, I still do She asked me to start by making plans I did Thursday Get up from the bed Take a shower Monday Get up from the bed Take a shower Do the dishes Six months later Monday Get up from the bed Take a shower Eat breakfast Do the dishes Apply to J schools Some plans worked out and some days I did not take a shower It's 2017 I'm dangling over a thin line between #sane and #insane They say plan, to get a job, a master's degree Some plans may work some might not but I'll at least take a shower #Nostigma #medicatedandfaded

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Two years ago at the peak of my #depression
or at the lowest depths of #misery
or as some said just a “bad phase”
I lay in bed staring at the ceiling,
eating dahi chawal, once a day
I did nothing beside lying , staring and my once a day meal of white starch and probiotics;
And phone calls,
I ignored phone calls
All of them
My friends weren’t #happy ,
The literatis were sniggering
And the #poets ashamed;
My mom was proud
She got me a notebook , the girliest notebook I’ve ever seen
I loved it nonetheless, I still do
She asked me to start by making plans
I did
Thursday
Get up from the bed
Take a shower
Monday
Get up from the bed
Take a shower
Do the dishes
Six months later
Monday
Get up from the bed
Take a shower
Eat breakfast
Do the dishes
Apply to J schools
Some plans worked out and some days I did not take a shower

It’s 2017
I’m dangling over a thin line between #sane and #insane
They say plan, to get a job, a master’s degree
Some plans may work some might not
but I’ll at least take a shower

Hands

Holding hands wasn’t enough,
I had to memorize
Every cut and corner, bruised knuckles and calloused palms,
Nails, dirt, past;
He says I have small hands
His, they are too big,
So when our fingers interlock, we let gravity do its trick
And perfect our handhold;
Tickling pianos and strumming guitars,
We keep it simple, silly.

Succeeding in Heartbreak

I will not shed cliche tears,
Instead
I will try mixing different proportions of milk, cream, coffee, chocolate and cinnamon too
I will cook, prepare my own meals, not spend a dime on eating out;

I will not reminisce about the past
Instead
I will dip my hands in paint, doodle the loneliness away;

I will not eat ice cream and watch friends or a silly rom-com.
Instead
I will watch the ‘Schindler’s list’, ‘A beautiful Mind’ and ‘Fight Club’ maybe
And more, which they say one must;
We could talk about movies then, long conversations
And not the ones which go like:
You : “Hi, have you seen the Perks of being a Wallflower?”
Me: “Yes I have. I really liked that movie.”
”You: “So did I.
Me: “Hmm.”
You: “Hmm.”
I won’t check my phone for text messages. Let them pile up;
A large number will increase the probability of one being from you,
I will not use my phone much; Only when mom calls.

I won’t get drunk and rant my mess away
Instead
I quit drinking; it’s been a month already.
I plan on not drinking for a long time now,
But maybe celebrate the day you return with champagne. Or vodka.
Champagne is pricey.

I will write to you,
I’ll write often;
Instead
I will work on my book:
I’ll mention you in the acknowledgements
Like I promised.
When you come back, we will have a lot to talk about;
When you come back, I will have a lot of stories to tell;
I hope you do too;

Write love on your arms

For my unborn daughter

  1. Reach out to the sky. Put your hands on your neck and feel yourself throbbing. Rhythmically. Layers of stars like translucent blankets over blankets. Live for it.
  2. Dip your fingers in paint. Smudge the walls. Paint a rainbow, bask in its glow.
  3. Buy an expensive perfume. Fall in love with your scent.
  4. Rummage through your vanity. Wear the wine red lipstick you’ve always wanted to.
  5. Draw a bath. Pour bubblebath. Light some candles. Pamper yourself. You deserve it.
  6. Dye your hair a crazy color. Better yet, chop it off. It’ll always grow back.
  7. Call your mother. Tell her you love her. She loves you too.